Dr. visit

Saw my doctor today.  One of them.  Got to the important questions.  He said the cancer will probably come back.  Yes it can adjust to lupron and that usually happens in 2 or 3 years.  Based on my bad PSA and horrible Gleason numbers he said I had about a 40 % chance of long survival, without the disease.  That a few of those horrible cells are still inside me and will probably come back.  Groan.  I had been optimistic.  He said I had about a 5 year window of opportunity of good life and then…and then…the end.  A long end.  But an end.  Treatment is hormones and men don't like it.  I am kinda shaken.  Yeah.  shaken.  I kinda thought this was all over.  I envy Patty, stumbling down the stairs and dying.  I hate worrying all the time.  The visit could, of course, have been worse.  For now things are good, a good PSA @ ~ 0.

An Unpleasant Memory

Around 2009 Charlie contracted a bout of sepsis.  I don't know why people with brain debilitation seem to get this but they do.  In the case that ended his life I think he lost the ability to swallow, we had a feeding tube installed, and at some point he inhaled food into his lungs and one thing led to another and he was gone.

In the 2009 event he was feeling real bad but was still able to walk.  One day we were walking to his sister's place and he began to vomit into a bush, he proceeded on to her house and I got a car to take him home.  Later we went to an evening appointment at Kaiser, a blood draw showed big infection, we went to the emergency room and after about a 5 hour wait he was admitted.  They could not get his blood pressure up.  He seemed to be dying.  They elevated his feet to encourage blood to gather in his brain and vital chest organs.

They started trying to insert a stent (I think thats the expression) into his neck, they tried for about a half hour, trying real hard but real carefully, jabbing this thing into his neck.  Finally they gave up and apologized, they said they'd be sending him up to the ICU and there the stent and other matters would be taken care of.  I stroked his forehead, he said that felt nice.  I brought him some comfort amid all that pain and fear.

He was in the ICU for four days and another three in the regular hospital.  I knew he would come out of that episode OK because he was eating every molecule on his plate.  And he did get out and did come home and did have a rather healthy existence until the brain disease as I said made it impossible for him to swallow.

On his last day in the regular hospital there was a horrible episode.  His roommate got the welcome news that a biopsy showed he did not have cancer and he and his family were happy and coming as close to celebrating as its possible to do in a hospital room.  And then…a nurse comes in and corrects the information, it was malignant.  People just fell apart.  As you might expect.  It was one of the saddest most tragic things I have seen.

In San Diego a few recognizable buildings stick up.  You can see Charlie's office building downtown.  You can also see the UCSD med center in Hillcrest and I hate seeing it because it always brings back the memory of Charlie totally hooked up to tubes and machines and totally out of it and only a couple of days from passing.  I hate it.

In a few minutes I leave for an appointment with my doctor.  My second post radiation PSA was less than 0.1 which is as good as possible so I am very happy about that, but I am seeing her about an infection (at least I think its an infection) like one she took care of a few months ago with antibiotics, she said they could grow to sepsis.  I am wondering if the radiation debilitated my immunity and if it will come back.  No complaints, the cancer was horribly malignant, one doctor said without treatment it could have killed me in 2 years.  Happy happy joy joy, right??

One more

May 10, 2001  Aloha Bob.  No sightings of Hyacinth yet but many situational opportunities for her insights.  Bruce is a wonderful host.  We both wish you were here.  Much love, Charlie.  I'm planning to meet up with Judy the Beauty tomorrow.

And More

1 15 82  Dear Binqqui, Grr and bra.  The tule fog is out here in force at 38 o.  How about this nifty statue?  Only $75,000.  We'll maybe go to the Wine Country.  Tomorrow its Glory to the party days.  ILYVM, Luquums

5 15 01  Aloha Bob- Saw this card and realized how much I'm missing you.  Am commiserating with BC by e mail.  You ccan send me a message too from .... You would love Amsterdam.  Love, Charlie

5 22 01  Bon jour mon chéri de Paris.  Writing from the Eiffel Tower.  Beautiful weather and grand views.  Quelle villa!  Avec la' amour, Charlie

9 2 76

We're on the way to climb to the highest spot in the US.  Wow-Blorg would feel right at home.  See you soon.  C

10 23 87  Off & on sun & showers.  Campus is beautiful with autumnal liquidambers.  Many old grads, plus parents and fundraisers.  No ducks yet!  CLM

More Postcards from Charlie

Dec. 1996, Hana is beautiful as always.  Good swimming at Hamoa & RedSand beaches.  Waianapanapa was windy and cool.  This house is right on the cliff overlooking Hana bay and Waikoloa peninsula.  Palm trees and starry nights.  Napenape malie.  Aloha, Charlie.

Greetings from post meltdown Thulia.  No sun yet (strike that) but the foot o Piedmont is elegant as always.  S & P & Morgan & Slimbob say hi.  ILYVM, CLM

6 28 83 Hot and steamy.  Rode the Staten Island ferry to cool off.  Mary Pat took the kids & me to Cent. Pk. for picnic.  Andy & I went to see Torch Song Trilogy.  Also saw Mayor Koch talking to Miss Piggy.  Met a Russian-Vladimir- at the UN.  Enjoyed the Salt Lake airport.  Miss you.  Love CLM 3

Post Cards from Charlie

Charlie took some trips that for various reasons I didn't go along, but he always sent cards.  I had a really touching conversation with our friend Judy who said that while they were together in Paris he couldn't stop talking about me.  Wow.  A nice story about that trip for them was that when they visited Jim Morrison's grave there in Paris some Paris hip kids were also visiting and were sort of surprised Americans knew about Jim Morrison!  I think Charlie might have seen them perform, Morrison and the Doors, he saw a lot of great, famous acts at Winterland in SF when he was in the Bay Area, either at Stanford or at Cal or working at the UC Med Center in SF.  Anyway, here are three of the cards he sent:

The Lenin card dated July 4, 1983:  Landed at Gori near Joe's cabin.  Scored some Kinsmarauli.  Ga. has vineyards, orchards, vegetables, like Salinas or Central Valleys but greener--scenic.  Hot and steamy.  Saw a train robbery trial in Moscow.  Subways impressive.  Food better in Tiblisi.  Few cruisers evident.  CAABA TPYDY, much love, CLM 3.

Seealpsee dated May 16, 1998:  Dear Bob, saw this lake on today's hike.   Relaxing after hiking on a Swiss mountain.  You would love it.  Weather warm to hot.  Bruce was great as always.  Germany very green with river valley beauty.  Stanford in Germany brought back memories despite changing into a hotel.  So far so good.  Much love, Charlie

Ben Nevis Scoaland dated June 4, 1987:  10 pm and still light on the shores of Loch Ness.  Much great scenery in Scotland, stimulating he ancestral DNA.  We must come here and explore for a longer time.  Islands, mountains, forests and glens are stunning.  Tomorrow to Edinburgh and then home.  This mountain (ref. to Ben Nevis) was poking thru the clouds, highest in Scotland, CLM

Dream

I had a looking for Charlie dream last night.  I have had a few of those.  I guess my subconscious doesn't understand that he is gone so it keeps looking.  Kinda sad.  Reminds me how when J &BC had to have their dog put to sleep the dog's pal, the cat, kept looking around the house for her pal who never was there any more.  And today, the 90th week he has been gone, 90 Saturdays ago at 10:15 am that magnificent strong heart I so loved listening to as we cuddled, stopped and he was gone.  I'm going to cry.