Saturday it will be 3 months since Charlie passed away.  Dealing with it still is not any easier.  I remain in shock, stunned, depressed.  Some of his ashes came home, on the mantel behind his high school graduation photo.  I can deal with that now, it freaked me out when BC brought his ashes to her home.

It still seems utterly unbelievable to me that he is gone.  He was so healthy, in my memory.  But I can bring back memories of him sick.  Sleeping 24 hours a day, losing weight getting skinny like Auschwitz.  I remember feeding him every bite of every meal for at least the last 2 years, feeding him from a medical eye dropper, him refusing to take his pills and spitting them out, spitting them in my face.  His mind was gone.  He could not walk, could not even stand.  But I chose not to remember that, not chose actually, my mind just remembers him as healthy.  Much more pleasant.  Infinitely so.