We Met...

We met at a party thrown by one of Charlie's best friends from Hoover High, who was a former boyfriend of mine.  We were so taken with each other we talked all night.  The rest of the boys headed out to the bars, we just hung there chatting about anything and everything.  I gave him refreshments.  Next day we Got Together in the apt. I shared with Sally G. at 5054 Niagara, went to the beach at Pescadero...there was a beach there then, before the sea wall got built and all the sand washed away the first winter.

We walked a precinct (this one) for Larry Kapiloff, our first date.  It was the '70's:  a door would open and billows of smoke would er billow out, or there'd be some chopped material on a table, or a woman sheets to the wind would greet you at 10 am.

I had met Thom at The Barbary Coast, we hit it off.  He was living with Sally G. in a tiny apartment upstairs from a garage on Adams Ave.  The three of us basically lived there for several months, many good times.  Thom was figuring out if he was gay or not, ultimately he went back to his wife and kids, deciding "not", but in the mean time we had fun times including some trips to San Francisco, to Tim & Kathy's on Belvedere, in the Haight, where oddly enough Charlie had had a job at the UC Med Center doing his conscientious objector work in a rat lab.  He lived in Oakland, commuted over the Bay Bridge in a large white Chev van with no side windows, only a rear window and side mirrors for view and no clutch but was able to park the thing, parallel, even on those steep SF hills, while I would kill it 30 times on flat land.

Sally had been a nun in Seattle, but fell away from the calling, she moved to San Diego, became a liberated woman, a teacher, and came to be Thom's GF, then my roommate on Niagara.  She had tried marriage and her former husband showed up at the Hole one day, getting in touch with his gay side.  Quite a Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman tale.  Sally returned to Washington State where she ran a fabric store, then into a traditional Catholic marriage.

Charlie and I just hung out with each other, we liked each other, I finally noticed I was spending almost all my nights with him at his apartment on Pescadero, half a block from the beach, and at some point just officially moved in.  Politics was always real important, we agreed about 95 % of the time, Charlie was always a committed activist, much more than me, but I joined him in precinct walks, the Demo Club, and various Demo organizations and meetings.

Illness

Around 1981 I noticed a weird looking mole on Charlie's leg.  He had it checked out and it turned out to be melanoma.  It was extremely frightening and depressing.  He said when the doctor called he was expecting good news but the bad news obviously upset him, and me, quite a bit.  At a follow up appointment a doctor gave him only a 50-50 chance of survival, it had been deep.  It was a dark, gloomy day, depressing.  He went in for surgery on a nearby lymph node to see if the cancer had spread, it hadn't, the doctor raised Charlie's chances to 95 %.  While he recovered from the operation he wore special stockings designed to ease swelling.  We raised the leg when he slept, he called it "scrunchums".  We always had our own language.

During the recovery we'd do fun things to ease his spirits.  We'd go out to the national monument on Pt. Loma.  Once we went to a fishing pier on Shelter Island in San Diego Bay.  While we were looking out over the bay a whale surfaced, I shouted, "Look! A whale!" but by the time any of the fisher people looked it had disappeared beneath the water without a ripple.  I guess they thought I was crazy.  His mom was great, totally supportive.  She often had trouble showing love but during Charlie's recovery she was there 100 %.  She was a remarkable woman, from the South, from near Warm Springs, Ga., she frequently saw Franklin Roosevelt driving his specially equipped car with controls on the steering wheel.  She was given a portrait of President Roosevelt by a family member, it hung in our house for decades.  She deserves a whole chapter, truly a remarkable woman.

The illness seemed like an oppressive black cloud, boundless fear and depression, it seemed to go on forever.  And yet...our first visit with anybody during Charlie's recovery was with Brad Truax, president of the San Diego Democratic Club.  He told us to keep Charlie's immune system strong by not introducing new germs by staying monogamous.  So we did.  Just in time to miss AIDS.  In later years it seemed absolutely amazingly ironic that that melanoma saved us from AIDS, we had had an open relationship before Brad's advice.  AIDS cut a huge, horrible swath among our friends, I think Charlie and I could each name about 100 people we lost to the disease.  It seems so ancient now.  It seemed so absolutely hopeless at the time. We would lose as many as three in a single week.  It was overpowering.  And yet...around 1997 the medicines started being perfected and deaths declined.  The last person we knew who passed away from it passed over 10 years ago.  Some people virtually cleared the virus from their bodies and don't take any medicines any more.  Oh yes, and Hawai'i Richard, close to death and a virtual walking skeleton in the 1990's, has staged a comeback and looks as healthy as he ever did.  Truly, remarkable.

We hiked to Kalaupapa on Moloka'i, the former leper colony.  It was awesomely inspiring.  Especially at a time when AIDS was so hopeless.  There had been this horrible disease, horrible, cruel, cursing the human race for thousands of years.  And yet medicines had come along to treat it, and now the patients who stayed at Kalaupapa did so only because it was where all of their friends were, and Kalaupapa is undeniably beautiful.  Hard to believe such a beautiful place witnessed so much horrible human suffering.  And now AIDS seems to have joined leprosy as a former scourge.  Thank God for science, for dedicated men and women researchers who find the answers to such horrible problems.  We do owe them our lives.  Also inspiring, the story of Father Damien at the leper mission.  A man who brought Christian decency and mercy to the sick and dying.  We hear so much in our upbringing about Christian kindness yet seeing it actually practiced seems to be very rare.  But that was Father Damien, 100 %.  Our guide, our host, was Richard Marks, a leper, the "sheriff of Kalawao County", a very positive and inspiring man, a devout Catholic, his prized possession was a photo of himself and the Pope.  I have no problem at all with people who live the life of service and kindness and mercy that Jesus taught, it has always been a beautiful ideal and is wonderful to see it being practiced.

Charlie popped up with 2 other melanomas over the years.  They were all caught early, they were never a problem for him.  He was on personally friendly terms with his dermatologist.  In his first checkups I'd accompany him.  I'd wait in the waiting room while he was being examined, I will always remember him emerging with a big smile on his face, giving a happy thumbs up.  I wish you could see the expression on his face.  Well, at least I can remember it.  I love him.  I miss him.

54th Week

A Charlie story...his first job out of law school was working for a firm downtown, there was some case they wanted him to go into court and lie under oath for their client.  He wouldn't do it.  They canned him.  Years later the firm ran into difficulties (gee, never saw that coming) and the whole lot got disbarred.  Charlie was the most truthful person I ever met, astoundingly honest.  He would not have lied anyway, especially not under oath, and especially not after just having finished law school and been admitted to the bar.

The same firm had a practice that all their male attorneys needed female company at company gatherings.  They set him up with a nice young lady.  Being gay and having no interest in the company of women, and being as considerate and kind as he was, he perfected the tactic of not being offensive to the young lady, but of boring her.  He talked about cottage cheese with her.  For hours.  Wow.  I bet she was glad when that gathering was over.  He never heard from her again.  And I bet word got passed among her friends & contacts that Charlie was off scale boring.  But it does illustrate his kindness and consideration and his ability to work a situation satisfactorily.

A Country Store

Charlie and I were driving through Michigan once, came upon a nice country store.  Great apple pies, berry pies, a real find.  Not exactly in the middle of nowhere but definitely not in the middle of any town.  We both noted the above memento for sale, separately.  Many miles down the road it came up in conversation and we decided it needed to be bought.  We vowed to do so on our next trip which would be God only knew when.  And then...several years later, there we were driving through Michigan again, and came upon the same country store.  Only it had burned down.  How sad.  Sad for the owners and workers, for sure, but also for us, no way we could get our desired memento.  Such a monument to good taste.  And then...amazingly enough, friends visiting Vegas purchased this one for us.  How did they know?  How?

Thanks, Ann

On the phone with sister Ann the other day, she brought up a memory that kind of sums up the Charlie Bob relationship.

Little Makena on Maui, a paradise beach.  We were there for sunset one evening.  A Salvador Dali sunset, awesome patterns.  Whales playing just off shore.  A "OK, where do I sign?" moment.

She was sleeping over at the house here once.  We came home from some place at night, singing.  Some silly fun song.  We were laughing and singing.  We did have fun.  She thought it was funny, remembered it all these years.  I don't remember the incident, but I can sure picture it, we did have our songs.

Hawai'i

We won the first trip to Hawai'i  in a raffle in 1981.  It provided air fare and four days at a Waikiki hotel.  Nice.  Very nice, in fact.  Waikiki is a great beach and the area is a great show.  But Charlie said why not pony up some more money and take in Maui and the Big Island, too.  Thank God he did!

I was in love with Hawai'i from landing at the Honolulu airport.  Beautiful plants, nice air warm and humid with gentle winds, beautiful craggy volcanic peaks clothed in the most vivid green and of course it only got better from there.  We stayed at an Outrigger hotel a few blocks from the beach, visited BC's friend Annie & hubby from a large friendly Chinese family, shared Sunday dinner with them.  First night they took us to a Hawaiian music show, Kaanikapila.  I remember a hula from Niihau, topic being the capture of a Japanese aviator during WW2, and even though there is a vast vast vast amount about hula I do not understand, I could understand that one, the motions, the movements conveyed everything quite clearly.  Then on to Watertown for another Hawaiian music show.  We loved it.  At one point a huge huge Hawaiian playing a uke saw out of the corner of his eye an enormous cockroach cruising down a grass mat behind the band, he casually hula'd over, knocked it to the floor with his elbow, and mashed it with his foot, without missing a beat.  We dove at Hanauma Bay, such wonderful colorful fish.  I am a California boy.  I love California.  I thought nothing could seriously top California.  Even in terms of fish.  I dove all through my childhood and loved looking at the fish at Casa Beach or the Cove, but the spectacular colors on the fish at Hanauma Bay seriously knocked me out.  Then just cruising around the island...the landscapes, the craggy volcanic peaks and valleys, the green.  The colors in Hawai'i are very vivid and I have my theory on why:  I think its because closer to the equator the sunlight comes in at a more vertical angle, less atmosphere cutting the strength of the sunlight, so it picks up and transmits the colors better, but they are definitely more vivid in Hawai'i.  Greener green, bluer blue in the ocean and the sky, pure white spume over the waves and in the clouds, majestic black lava, vivid red in volcanic soils.  Its quite striking.

From Oahu to Maui, to a condo at Kahana.  It was fine.  Maui was fantastic.  We discovered the nude beach at Makena and loved it.  We drove over to Hana, the road was very scenic, we were relaxing by Hana Bay and somehow met a haole local, Mark from New Jersey who was very taken with BC.  He showed us around.  Took us up to Waianapanapa, showed us about the cabins, showed us Red Sand Beach, also a nude beach.  It was so beautiful, so perfect.  "We don't have to leave.  Ever!", I said.  We would make ample use of the cabins in the coming years.  The Hana side is lush jungle, little streams and waterfalls, huge cliffs and outcroppings over the sea, huge valleys.  Population of Hana is about 600.  You make a reservation for the cabins with the state parks department, and buy food for your stay at Pay 'n Save (or whatever the name is now) in Kahului.  Its a gorgeous park.  You can swim at Waianapanapa.  Also Hamoa and Kaihalulu Beaches in Hana.  We drove to the top of Haleakala (10,025 ft) for sunrise one morning, following BEP and BAU.  It was seriously cold up there, but well worth it watching such a spectacular sunrise.

From Maui to the Big Island.  Landed at the Kona Airport which is out in the lava fields.  Bleak.  I was despondent that we had left the garden paradise of Maui for he bleak desolate lava fields of the Big Island.  But of course I fell in love with the Big Island, how can you not?  We had a room at the Kona Surf, a luxury hotel which had fallen on hard times and was offering bargain rates.  In the parking lot we met a friendly local lad, Bill, of Hawaiian and Filippino ancestry.  Later we met him again at Drysdale's bar in Kona and put cards on the table so to speak.  While Charles drove back to the hotel I sat in his car and he assured me I could do anything I wanted, adding, "I really mean that".  What welcome words.  We all had a wonderful time.  He invited us to his sister's birthday party that night.  Because we were friends with Bill we were friends with his whole family, it was like we'd known them forever.  The mom was pleasantly drunk and kept asking me, "Well, how you like Hawai'i?".  We saw Bill again a few years later in Honolulu.  Majorly cute.  Nice guy too.  Purple speedo.  We drove over to Hilo via the Volcano Highway.  We hiked the Kilauea Iki trail.  Incredible.  Down down down through a fern forest, you emerge on a lava crater, figure 8 shaped, maybe 1  1/2 or 2 miles across, giant blocks of lava, the throat from which the giant 1959 eruption emerged, then back up through the fern forest.  On to Hilo.  Some friend had advised to bypass Hilo, called it a dump.  Wow.  How could you not love Hilo.  When I think of Hawai'i, of the Hawaiian reality, the Hawaiian experience, I think of Hilo.  It is a wonderful town, it is real, it is like the largest Hawaiian town.  Street names are all Hawaiian:  Kilauea, Haili, Komohana, Halai, Waianuenue.  We met John S working at Lauilima, a health food store, he became a friend until business intruded and we had an outfalling.

 Waianapanapa, Maui

 Kalalau, Kaua'i

Mauna Kea overlooking Hilo on the Big Island

That was all just the first trip.  I have often tried to count how many trips we took and I can't.  It may be as high as 20, definitely more than 10.  Maybe even 25.  For a few years there was Hawai'i Express out of LA that flew real cheap, $100 each way, inter island fares were in the $25 -$ 40 range, having friends we could stay with or access to cabins made it very doable. Also Charlie owned 3 houses in Hawai'i, 2 of which would periodically come vacant and he'd say "Lets go!" so we would.  We stayed at his Kona place and his Hana place, and he went over a few times with other people and stayed there, too.  We stayed at cabins at Koke'e at about 4000 ft. on Kaua'i, close to the Kalalau overlook.  We hiked Kalalau three times.  Best hike in the world.  So hard.  So worth it.  One of the hikes I got to the beach with Charlie right behind me but he didn't show up for a long time, finally I walked back, his pack had broken, he said smelling my sweat made him happy, knowing I was coming back for him.  And you did sweat on those hikes.   Hawaiian trails make you strong.  Magnificent trails.

First Kalalau hike we stayed at the Reef Motel and were kept awake all night by a professional lady entertaining her male client.  Both drunk and very loud.  But the hike went off fine.  The Reef added a new section where we stayed a few years later.  We stayed at the Hilo Hotel in Hilo in 1991.  I recorded quite a few Hawaiian songs from KAHU.  KAHU has been out of business for many years now.  Too bad, they did great Hawaiian music.  Also recorded KMVI on Maui, but it has changed to all sports.  Too bad.  You can get sports anywhere.  Hawaiian music, not that easy.  Also recorded KCCN in Honolulu, it, too, is a sports station now, but you can get Hawaiian on KAPA in Hilo and KINE and KKNE in Honolulu.  I started trying to learn the Hawaiian language so I could understand the pretty songs we love so much.  Funny.  You can understand speech better than singing.  I can pick up words in a song but stringing them into meaning is not that easy, maybe song is more esoteric.  A fellow in Japan helped me immensely learning Hawaiian, what a godsend, a professional language teacher (teaching English & French to Japanese students) and he wanted to teach me Hawaiian over the computer to help himself learn, we were on the computer for hours for years, me at 6 am or so here, he at whatever the Japan time would be.  He was a superb teacher, I was very lucky to have him for a kumu.  He seems to have gone on to learn more languages, it is a natural ability for him. I do Kaonamakekai from time to time.  Obviously the decline and death of Charlie cut that out.

Our last trip was to the Big Island in 2010 for the Merrie Monarch Hula Festival.  Charlie had hit that phase of the disease where things irritated him a lot, but we still had a good time.  We stayed at a condo of a friend of a friend, 6th story overlooking Hilo Bay.  You could walk to the store, across the Singing Bridge.  We saw whales playing out by the breakwater.  Charlie swam at Hapuna, his last time in the ocean.  Hilo is a beautiful town.  It rains a lot.  Thus you have museum quality orchids and other exotic blooms growing out of cracks in the sidewalks.  You have an entire section of wild orchids growing east of town.  Out Keaukaha way you get beautiful little pocket beaches among the jungle and black lava rocks with fantastic views across the bay to Hilo with Mauna Kea looming so beautifully above.  Mauna Loa.  Is it possible to have a favorite mountain?  Mauna Loa is mine.  It is magnificent.  It is huge, absolutely huge.  By volume it has more rock than all the Sierras combined.  A base of 250 miles across on the sea floor, 19000 ft. below.  The slope is sooooo gentle!

A Year

Yesterday was a year since Charlie passed on.  Very hard anniversary to take.  I spent a lot of time out at the Sunset Cliffs natural park where Charlie & I would often walk and just sit on the rocks watching the waves roll in.  Its a beautiful and quiet spot.  Yesterday was cool and gloomy, even though it was Sunday there was almost no one there so I could kind of commune with...with my inner self and maybe with Charlie too.

There has been a little shrine for Charlie in the house since he passed away.  Its still so hard to believe he's gone.  He was so full of life, so healthy, so intelligent and active.

Charlyne & Jim had Mary and me over for dinner last night, it was a very pleasant gathering.  We raised a toast to Charlie, all thankful for having him in our lives and for all the goodness he brought into our lives.  A few people have called or e mailed, I just haven't been in the mood to answer.